Men, I think, don't really have this. But for women, it all comes back to everything society and biology have told us about what it means to be a person, a woman person. Because even if you don't know where you want to be in ten years, what job you want to pursue, how you envision your life, the one thing you can be assured of is having kids. Because by virtue of our biology, the one sure miracle and wonder that every woman can produce is a life, the one journey we can embark on with nothing but well wishes and support from those around us, is pregnancy.
Oh yes, I've been there. Ohmigod, what am I going to do with my life? I know! I'll have a baby and become a mother and then people can stop asking me about what my plans for the future are. And even if it was never such an explicit thought in my mind, I have noticed a trend in which, whenever I am at my lowest point, feeling most conflicted about what to do with my life, my career, how to harness any potential I might have, I find myself wandering through the baby section at Woolworths, Edgars, Ackermans. Yes, I think every woman goes through those moments, where you think "Did I take my pill yesterday? I'm sure I did", or you forget to take the pill and then in the dark, you fumble for the pack and take the while pill marked Sunday instead of the yellow one. Or you go on antibiotics and tell yourself that no, five days of yellow pills are enough to secure your temporary infertility and you don't need to take "extra precautions" like the information pack tells you.
And then you find yourself ravenously hungry an hour after your last meal (which consisted of a handful of nuts and a can of Coke), with general quesiness (or maybe carsickness), and perhaps a heightened sense of smell (hmmmm, popcorn, and I'm not even that close to the movie theatre) and suddenly you're standing in Clicks trying to decide which pregnancy test to buy. You get two different brands, just to make sure. And then, when your significant other isn't looking, you pop into the bathroom with pregnancy tests in hand, and pee on both sticks. The first one comes up negative and guiltily, you think "Maybe it's wrong" but then the second one comes up negative too and you think "Ahh..."
And that's it, you realize no, a sudden pregnancy is not going to bail you out of your feelings of aimlessness and possibly even hopelessness, that unfortunately, you have nothing more exciting to look forward to than more application forms, more CV revisions, and more interviews, that if anything exciting and life altering is going to happen to you, it will not be announced by a little blue plus sign on a pee stick and a trip to the doctor but probably through emails and phonecalls that you yourself had solicited, if only you knew what to solicit. Which you don't.
And then you realize, ah well. Who needs pregnancy and a baby anyway. I like drinking four cups of coffee a day, eating take out three times a week, waking up late, not taking my vitamins, and only doing the washing when I'm down to my last pair of totally uncomfortable emergency underwear. I don't need all the drama and being-in-chargeness that comes with kids.
And then you start applying for jobs or taking classes and looking at your spouse with disdain. Yes, he may have a well paid job that he finds stimulating but he'll never have a baby.
And ohmigod, I've just totally over identified with you. And I think I'm going to post this on my own blog, coz its pertinent and what.
But where am I going with this? Yes, you want a baby. All women do at some point or another, for some reason or the other. What you need to decide is what you'd like the circumstances of that to be.
And if you truly do want a child, not to fulfill some need in yourself or plug in some area of your life where you feel a vast emptiness, then go forth and multiply.
My gynae - a wonderful man called Dr Newham - when asked when was a good time to get started on a baby in light of our disinterested spouses, told me and Razia, that men will NEVER be ready for children. You decide when you're ready, and they just need to fall in line. Because having a kid is not about your partner, its about you and the person you'll be bringing into this world.
I'm sure some people will disagree with that, but to tell you the truth, I think he was spot on.
So that's what I said. And you know, thinking about it as well, I think this is also the reason a lot of people rush into marriage. I don't know what I'll do with my life but here's this guy and we can get married and then I'll be a wife and maybe a mother and then people will stop asking me what I'm doing.
Bit depressing really.
On a vaguely related note, I watched Juno this week and really enjoyed it, so much so that I went out and bought the soundtrack. It's the first CD I've bought in ages and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Kimya Dawson rocks.
2 comments:
Definitely a subject I have LOADS to say about but I'll keep it brief. Your doc is 100% right about it being between you and the little person you'll be bringing into the world simply because it's your life that changes the most. Not only once the little tyke is born but from conception. As I sit her with the waist-band of my jeans cutting off circulation to my legs due to the growingness of my tummy...I can definitely attest to that!!
I agree, and disagree... Yes, I believe that it is us, the women, who have the most drastic changes to our lives once we conceive. It is our bodies that transform (some, more than others) and in essence, we need to be ready before we 'plan' for a child.
But, I also believe that it is the men in our lives (if we're lucky enough to have them)that will and can provide a vast amount of emotional support. This I can only imagine as I don't have a child of my own.. but I believe that my husband should be just as ready to pave the way towards parenthood. He's the only one that gets me through my menstrual cycle, and with pregnancy and childbirth being way more stressful, I know that his support will also get me through such a major change.
I say this knowing full and well that women do this on their own everywhere in the world. But, like my Doc says, parenthood is about both mother and father... if you can have both mom and dad around, in everyway, why not!
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